I haven’t posted for awhile. I have been going through some intense self searching. I have been struggling with something that bothers me. I have been on the mood roller coaster that is menopause. So in all of this I have had some great insights and times with God. But I haven’t felt compelled to write like I usually do. I haven’t felt ready to share. My head hasn’t felt clear enough.
But today I am feeling some clarity and inspiration. I woke up at 4:45 this morning, feeling grumpy about some things that had happened. So I prayed and talked to God about them. It is amazing to me how He gave me wisdom and provided an almost miraculous change of mind state for me.
Here is some of what I was thinking.
I thought about the book of Job. I’ve been listening to Job in the car lately. I always try to have some Bible CDs to fill the space while I’m driving. I’ve been working my way through the Old Testament. And now I’m at Job.
I have to confess that I really didn’t want to listen to Job. I like the first and last part of the book, but, to me, the middle is so long and boring! But that is why I listen in the car, so I can expose myself to things that I might be tempted to skip over if I was actually sitting down and reading.
The thing is, as I listened to Job, and took in the repetitious pontificating of Job and his friends, the endless justification, the whining, the sanctimonious advising, it occurred to me that that is what we sound like to God. We carry on in our self important bombastic way, totally caught up in our conceit. We whine and complain, so affronted. We go on and on, we can’t let it go.
I think God doesn’t like to hear all of this any more than I do when I listen to Job.
And I think about how it is said that Job is one of the oldest books of the Bible. It is one of the first communications, in a sense, from God to man. And what does God want to say? That we go on and on talking about ourselves, all puffed up in our opinions, all indignant about our situations. That we are so blinded by our conceit that we can’t respect to Him as the Almighty and All Knowing, who knows so much better than we do the ways things ought to go.
It hit me yet again how His thoughts are not my thoughts, that way that seems so clear to me as how things should happen, may not be the way God is going. I can’t get indignant when what God does seems counterintuitive.
Instead, I need to be much more like David when He wrote Ps 131:
My heart is not proud, Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.
As I was thinking about all of this, it occurred to me that, left to ourselves, we are terrible disciplers. Just like Job’s friends, by nature, we have a pretty poor idea of how to help one another. And just like Job, we are even worse at trying to reason things out and help ourselves.
And I started to be especially thankful that we have the Spirit. While I was lying in bed, talking to God, I realized that I could let the Spirit disciple me. The Spirit was right there, waiting to be called upon, waiting to be the voice of hope, whispering to me that God is good, that He will work out everything for the good.
It really is true that Jesus came to give us living waters. “Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” (John 7:38) Fresh pure goodness and hope is there, bubbling up inside of us, when everything in us wants to rant at God over and over again.
So I wasn’t crazy about being up at 4:45 this morning. But I needed to work it out, so I wouldn’t be stewing all day. I brought my impossible situation to God, and he turned it around.
All I can do is thank God as in Ps 16:7 —
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.