What a week this has been! Sunday we had the wonderful shower for Cecelia and Yesenia. It was so beautiful, such a celebration of friendship and God’s goodness.
Then I spent Monday and Tuesday having a treasure of a time babysitting my grandchildren. It was a great gift to be able to spend one on one time with them, to just love them over and over. It was a gift to have visits with two of my children while I was there. Just to see them and have time to talk about their lives was precious. It was also a gift to have a quiet period away from everything.
God knows just want we need.
But then when I came back I found myself besieged once more by a storm of emotions. Menopause really stinks. I have been depressed and weepy. The howling wolf of failure dogs me, nipping at my heals. I hear his howls over and over.
I had a good conversation with my friend Nancy about this. She told me I need to be patient with myself.
So read these verse on patience, and they were balm to my soul —
Love is patient. I Cor 13:4
Be patient with everyone. I Thes 5:2
Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation. II Peter 3:15
We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Rom 15:1
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. II Peter 3:9
Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? Romans 2:4
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Is 30:18
These verses are awesome! God is so very patient with us. He knows we grow and come to him imperfectly, and He gives us space to do that. And we need to be patient with others
One thing I’ve found that helps in this barrage and tangle of emotions is to embrace where I am at the moment, to relax and be wholly present. I tend to think I need to accomplish all kinds of things, so I’m always intent on achievement. But then I don’t feel good. In a sense, I accept that this place of being moody is the place I am supposed to be. And I see that in my emotional state, I care even more for others, and I can focus on one person, and just talk to them and love them. I have a deep need to connect with God, and I can get down on my knees and talk to Him until something clicks. I can play the guitar and sing spiritual songs and be filled with the goodness of God.
In trusting, I can be patient with myself.
I’ll close with something from Emily Weirenga’s blog that I read that really helped me —
“One night I was so undone, I went for a walk beneath the stars and cried out to God for all of the awful. All of the young kids getting addicted to porn and all of the hurts and the sins and the confusion. And I heard the Lord say, “Emily-do not fight darkness with darkness, but with light.”
Because I was acting out of fear. And fear is darkness.”
This moodiness and all of these emotions make me feel out of control, and that makes all of my fears of failure seem like they are coming true. But I cannot fear, because fear is participating in the darkness.
I cannot get my affirmation from achievement. In the past, God’s enabled me to feel great about myself. But that tempts me to get my confidence from performance. Now, instead, I must have confidence in God and His plan. I must have confidence that even though I feel like a failure, I am in the right place at the right time. I must be patient and realize that things are NOT out of control.
I must fight the darkness with light, and the light is hope. The light is being able to endure walking through the darkest valley, patiently waiting to stumble upon the table prepared for me, seeing that my cup overflows, and knowing goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. (Ps 23)